Leaving Home

The first time I left home was when I was 22.  I had to leave eventually.  Don't get me wrong, I get along great with my family.  My extended and intermediate family have been there for me, no matter what.  I've lived in the Central Valley of California my whole life.  Fresno, Clovis and Kingsburg are three cities I've lived in California.  I have no problem with Fresno, my hometown.  I've enjoyed living here and made some great friends and memories.

And now it's time for me to leave California.  I'm moving to Greensburg, Pennsylvania.  My brother lives there and offered me to come live with him.  At first I was apprehensive.  I've been so used to living in Fresno, I haven't thought much of leaving. I knew I wanted to leave California.  But I had no idea where I would move to.  I haven't had the best luck with job hunting here.  I've pretty much gave up on dating too.
Maybe if I moved, things would change for the better.

Maybe going to Pennsylvania would be good for me.  A change of scenery would be good.  I could maybe even find a job with my degree there.  I might even find a girlfriend there.  There are so many possibilities there I have yet to discover.  So I'm moving to another state to try something new.  As I'm writing this, I have two days left in California.  I was able to hang out with my friends one more time.  I'm scared but also excited.  I have a feeling this will be good for me.

Is Your Job Cool Enough??

Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: Do you like your job? We've all been asked this question by friends and family.  There might even come a time when you're asked this at your job.  You hesitate because you're afraid of what'll happen if you answer it truthfully.  You lie or at least squeak out a half-truth.

We've all had, or will have a job we cannot stand.  It might not pay enough, you might not like your boss or you might not get along with your co-workers.  You fight to keep this job because you can't find another, or worse you found another one, but you have to hang in there.  You can't just jump the ship yet.  And if all this wasn't bad enough, there is one burning question.  Is your job cool enough??

I know that sounds like such a bizarre question.  But at the same time, it does become an issue.  When you're young, you take any job you can get.  You're grateful but at the same time you're scared.  You're worried that your friends or that girl you have a crush on will laugh at you.  Oh sure the job pays, but your peers might not see it as cool.

Even when you get older, you still face that dilemma.  You become worried that your family might look down on you if you they don't approve of your job.  There might be those awkward moments when people try to hide their disapproval.  Your kids might be ashamed of you.  You try to pretend you don't care about the 'cool factor' of your job.

It may sound hard, but don't care what other people think.  I've had several jobs over the years that might not seem 'cool.'  And I don't care.  They paid my bills, kept me employed and sane.  Someday I will find my dream job.  Someday I will be proud and happy to have that dream job.  Until that day comes, I will keep working at 'crappy' jobs and be damn grateful I have a job.

Discovering The Truth About A Predator

Ayla had found not only a friend, but someone she considered to be special.  Someone she thought she could trust forever.  However, little did she know this person held a dark secret.  This person wasn't who he claimed to be.  This person was a predator, a sexual predator; someone who preyed upon children.  Ayla hopes this blog will help keep people aware of the true nature of predators, specifically this type.

How did you know this person?

The man in question used to go to school with my ex-husband. They were friends there.

My ex-husband, at the time of being my husband, introduced us because we share a common interest; a love of writing. We lost touch for a while but got back in touch around the time of my divorce and he was very supportive. He told me he loved me and that he was supporting me through my divorce because of that. We wound up together, though looking back now I’m of the belief that he was rebound for me. I also wonder now if maybe he wasn’t manipulating me back then into thinking things that perhaps I wouldn’t have otherwise. After all, I’d threatened to divorce my husband before. But never done it.

What was your first reaction when you learned the truth about the predator?

I was devastated. While I believed my daughter (after all, what four year old would come out with something like that when they haven’t come across it) I couldn’t believe it had happened, if you get my drift. I asked her to talk to me and she put down her milk and came over. She showed me what he’d done; ‘I’ll be him, mummy. You can be me,’ and I gathered her up in my arms and gave her a big squeeze, kissing her hair and telling her how grown up she was for telling me something important like that. She didn’t see me cry. I couldn’t let her know more than she knew already about how wrong it was, for fear of frightening her.

It’s important that the child knows they’ve not done anything wrong, and that you support them, believe them and most of all love them in spite of what they have told you.

I am, fortunately, lucky that she is as young as she is. She doesn’t associate what he did with anything aggressive. Whereas you and I would see an action like that, and I won’t be specific, as sexual, she didn’t. And doesn’t. She knows he has been naughty. She knows that that place is her private place. Not even mummy or daddy touches there, not even to wash. That’s her job.

She was taught, before all this, when her father first moved out, that he and I are the only ones allowed to wash her bottom and or wipe it. Her daddy’s new girlfriend isn’t. Even if she is nice. She is allowed to ask for help wiping, after all she is only four and yes, kids make a mess. And she is allowed help with washing, though she’s more likely to do it herself, nowadays. But she’s only allowed to ask her daddy and I. No one else.

Who was your biggest supporter during this time?

My biggest supporter was a man I’ve never met. He’ll remain nameless, but he has, quite simply, been a font of knowledge and advice for me. He’s stayed up talking with me late into the night when I’ve been at rock bottom. I have been a big mess all over him, and he’s just sat there and taken it from me.

It’s very easy for me, personally, to talk to people, it’s one reason I offered to do this interview. What is hard is actually dealing with what happened.

What advice can you give to other parents?

Don’t trust anyone, and I mean anyone. I didn’t trust this person, because once he’d come into my life he was in the position of ‘step parent’ to my young daughter. I was messed with by my own stepfather and at times had struggled to trust my daughter’s father with her though I’d no need. I wasn’t going to let anyone get near my girl the way my stepfather had gotten to me. It seems I wasn’t careful enough though, as she has told me that he’s been inappropriate with her while I’ve just been downstairs.

If something has happened, tell the police. Even if it’s historical. They have to look into it. They have to keep you informed of what’s going on.

Don’t blame yourself. I blamed myself because I’m the one in the wrong. And in a way, and I know this is cruel, you are. You left your child on their own with someone ‘like that’. But how are you to know? Don’t blame yourself because they are clever, it’s how they work. They gain your trust. They gain the child’s trust. You pop into another room, the adjacent room, say, to do something mundane like make a cuppa or wash up. And they can be a threat, right there in the next room. But it’s not your fault. So don’t blame yourself. Spend that energy on getting justice, and on supporting your child through their trauma. Be there for your child.

What are some warning signs people might not realize?

Oh god there are loads. I didn’t realize most of these until afterwards. The two most important ones are, in my opinion:

That they like to buy gifts for the child. Sometimes you might not know about these gifts, so if you see something new in their bedroom, find out where it came from. Make light of it. ‘I don’t remember buying you that, was it a present from (child’s best friend’s name here)’. With my step father it was the internet – mother said I wasn’t allowed it but he put it in my room, as a ‘secret gift’, so keep an eye out for things like that too. Make sure you know what’s in your house. Make sure there are no locked cupboards that you don’t possess a key to. My stepfather bought me dildos and pornos. Yes. Disgusting. What’s more disgusting is they were kept on the top shelf of mother’s wardrobe. If she’d have looked, she might have found out.

This person bought my daughter shoes, toys, teddies and a wand all the way from Canada. But because he was new to her, I thought he was more going for the ‘trying to buy her affections’ for the new man in my life to be accepted, that point of view. I didn’t find out about any other, more frightening toys, but there is no stone left unturned in my house, and when he took his things I packed for him. I also checked after he’d left.

I suspected foul play even though my daughter hadn’t told me at this point what he’d done.

The second red flag, and one that is quite often missed, is:

In the bedroom note their performance. This particular man was using depression in order to explain away his ‘issue’, however, depression doesn’t prevent you from climaxing, it prevents you from feeling in-the-mood, and thus, please pardon me, getting an erection. It doesn’t prevent you being good in the bedroom. And it doesn’t prevent you enjoying sex. This man was able to achieve, and maintain, an erection. What he wasn’t capable of was climaxing. In all the times that we were together, he climaxed maybe three or four times? And each time his eyes would go off elsewhere. It was very obvious he was imagining something or someone else, because he wasn’t concentrating on me that’s for sure! If this is your partner, you’re more likely to pick up on this one, or if they’re your friend’s partner and you suspect them to be a threat, don’t hesitate to ask your friend if they manage, though without the adjoining accusation, or you might lose your friend. This lack of climax was a major red flag for me and it’s the first one that set me off asking questions.

What would be a fitting punishment for the predator?

You mean aside from tying him down and using his testicles as examples of how to boil an egg, while they’re still attached?

Nothing is a punishment suitable for a person such as this. All the pain in the world inflicted on one small stamp-sized area would not be enough to ‘get him back’ for what he did to my little baby.

Much as I don’t want her ever growing up, ever having a boyfriend, ever, ahem, being an adult, I know she will, one day.

But this isn’t how she’s supposed to learn it. She’s supposed to learn it with a long term boyfriend (when she’s forty) who she feels safe with. Not through some pervert who gets off on hurting little girls.

There’s no punishment suitable for him. There’s not even a layer of Hell suitable for him.

      How can law enforcement crack down on predators?

To be honest, I don’t think they can. I think there’s only so much that the police can police. They need to find the ‘makers’ and destroy child porn at its source, but there are hundreds of thousands of these monsters and I hate to admit it, but they’ll never catch them all. If you’re that way inclined you’re more likely to know how to get a hold of these pictures without using things like search engines and key words, so the best thing the police can do is stop this at its source. But there are too many sources to keep up with, too many other, ‘more serious’ crimes to deal with first, and so the police can’t beat them for it.

I think the punishment isn’t threat enough for these people. I think if the punishment was more severe, perhaps they’d be less likely to commit the crime. But then again, look at places where there’s ‘life for a life’ status. People still kill, though they know they’ll be killed for it.

            Ayla hopes that taking part in this blog will help others in her position.  This blog was done in the hopes of helping anyone, no matter where in the world they might live.  Although she may never recover from the betrayal, and is painfully aware that these events may come back to haunt them both in years to come, she wants to be strong for her daughter and for anyone else who finds themselves living the nightmare she has for the last six months.

If you or someone you know is suffering abuse, there is help.  You can find someone to talk to at these sites:

USA

http://www.safehorizon.org

http://www.rainn.org

http://www.aftersilence.org/

UK

http://www.samaritans.org

http://nspcc.org.uk

http://www.parentsprotect.co.uk

 http://barnardos.org.uk

The Announcement of the 12th Doctor

Throughout the years there have been many TV events.  Who shot JR, the series finale of M.A.S.H, the series finale of Gilligan's Island are just a few I've heard about growing up.  The TV events I've experienced are Who shot Mr. Burns, the series finale of Buffy, Angel, Friends and Seinfeld.  Yet there was one that generated an insane amount of exposure.

On Sunday August 04, 2013 there was a television event that blew up the Internet.  The hit Sci-Fi show and one of my personal favorites, Doctor Who, was looking for an actor to replace the current Doctor, played by Matt Smith.  Months went by as people speculated and debated on who should be the next Doctor.
Then the announcement came they would be announcing it live on TV.  There was no way I was going to miss that.

I sat on the couch, still wearing my PJs, glued to the TV.  The two actors I was rooting for was Benedict Cummberbatch and Idirs Elba.  Benedict was awesome in 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' and is incredible in BBC's 'Sherlock.'  Idris Elba rocked in 'Pacific Rim.'  My mind raced as I became more and more impatient.
'Hurry up and show us who it is!' I screamed at the TV.
Finally the moment came....
And the next person to take up the Sonic Screwdriver is............
PETER CAPALDI!!!

I blinked slowly.  I had never heard of this actor.  I looked up the name on IMDB to see what other work he had done.  He had previously starred on Doctor Who.  He looked distinguished.  Although I was disappointed none of my favorites got chosen, I wasn't upset.  I didn't want to be one of those people that rant, rave and threaten because they didn't approve of the person chosen.

I first started watching Doctor Who on Netflix.  The first Doctor I was introduced to was the 9th Doctor played by Christopher Eccleston.  He's one of my favorite Doctors.  He's street smart and a savvy dresser.  I soon saw David Tennant as the 10th Doctor and Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor.  All are great actors and each brought something unique to the show.

I'm anxious to see what Peter Capaldi brings to the role as the Doctor.  I've seen many people blow up online about this decision.  People need to relax and wait and see.  Doctor Who has pleased its fans over the years.  I have faith in the writers and directors of the show.  I think Peter Capaldi will do a great job.  I can't wait to see what he brings to the role.

College: A Look Back

Today it's been a week since I graduated from college.  It was a long, tough road.  I wanted to drop out so many times.  (Well I did take a break that turned out to be a six year break)  I knew what I wanted to be.  I love to write, so the natural course would be Journalism.  By becoming a journalist, I could write and get the chance to meet new and interesting people.

High School was pretty damn easy. I knew what I wanted to be, but wasn't sure how to go about doing it.  How do you become a writer?  Obviously it helps to be able to read and write.  I could become a novelist.  But what if I don't become successful?  It would help to have a backup plan.  I could become a Journalist and write novels on the side.

After I finished high school, I knew I wanted to go to college.  I wanted to go away for college.  I love California, my home state.  Moving away would not be cheap.  And the burning question: Where would I move to?  It would probably be best if I went to school here.  College is expensive enough without adding moving expenses.

I started by going to State Center Community College District in Clovis, CA.  It would be cheaper to start out at city college.  I could concentrate on general education classes.  And city college is easier.  The classes are smaller, and so is the campus.  It's like boot camp for state college.  I was living at home at the time and the school was located within walking distance from home.

I began to realize college was way different than high school.  In high school, you had to go.  Your parents and the government forced you to go.  If you were 18, you could choose not to go.  (I think)  If you don't go to high school, your job prospects are limited.  And in high school you didn't have much freedom.  Your teachers and counselors chose your classes for you.  There were a few elective classes you could choose from.

In college you had so many options.  You would choose your major, your field.  Then you would choose the classes you wanted to take each semester.  You could go during the day or night.  You could choose to go during the weekends if you wanted to.  You could even take two classes and have a really short school day if you'd like.  I'd advise against doing that, it would take you forever to graduate if you do.

My first two years of college were pretty easy.  I got the classes I wanted.  I made lots of new friends.  I got along great with my teachers.  I was passing my classes.  My future was looking really bright.  I was starting to a little stressed but nothing too extreme.  I was working part time.  I wasn't making enough money, but wasn't flat broke.

Then my mom and sister had to move.  I knew that I would have to work more.  I realized that I would have to drop out of school for a bit.  It would be a short break.  I wasn't dropping out of college forever.  I would go back after I got back on my feet.  There's nothing wrong with taking a break from school.  I was working, so it wasn't like I was dropping out of school to be lazy.

That 'short break' turned into six years.  I had debt I needed to take care of.  I was getting used to the feeling of only having to worry about work.  I hated having to worry about school and work.  I loved coming home from work and not worrying about homework, projects, term papers or presentations.  My family kept asking when I was going back.  To be honest, I wasn't sure when I was going back or if I was going back.
Did I even want to go back?

The day finally came when I realized I needed to go back.  I was working full time as a cart guy at Sam's Club.  I was making a decent amount of money.  But I realized I didn't want to do this forever.  I knew that if I wanted a family, I would have to provide for them.  I would need a job that paid more.  In order to do that, I would need a college degree.  Having a degree would help improve my life so much.

I talked to a counselor to see what I needed to do.  It had been so long since I was in school, I wasn't sure what classed I needed to take.  After talking to the counselor, I knew what I had to do.  I went back to city college to finish my general education classes.  It took less than a year.  Now came the next step, state college.

I enrolled in Fresno State College.  I went through orientation.  I got to know the campus.  I even met some fellow students who was going for the same degree I was going for.  I was able to register for classes before anyone else.  I was scared about going back to college.  But by going through orientation, my fears were eased away.

Each semester seemed to fly by.  I took some time between breaks to relax.  I also began to plan what classes I would take for the next semester.  There were time when I thought about dropping out again.  But I refused to do so.  I had dropped out once, I wasn't about to drop out again.  I had come too far.  I was so close to finishing.  I couldn't wait to be done.

Fresno State was a good school.  It did get frustrating that the tuition kept going up.  I was able to get some money through financial aid.  It wasn't enough to pay my tuition and books.  I had to take out student loans.  I was finally out of debt.  I didn't want to get back into debt.  But I was continuing my education.  That seemed like a good enough reason to get into debt.

The journalism classes were tough but manageable.  I even got a chance to write for the school paper, The Collegian.  I covered feature stories, profile stories, Arts\Entertainment and movie reviews.  I did this about six months.  It was good to get practice in my field.  It gave me a chance to practice my interviewing skills.
I'm a pretty shy person and practicing my interviewing skills helped me overcome my shyness.

Another memorable moment was when I participated in the Central Valley War Veterans Memorial Project. This was an assignment for my editing class.  It was one of the most stressful yet rewarding assignments I had ever done.  It was stressful because the last thing I ever want to do is offend a veteran.  I wanted them to tell me their story because they wanted to, not because they felt pressured to.  I did everything I could to do a good job.  I got a good grade and felt like I accomplished something.

Finally the day came.  Friday, May 17th 2013 Graduation Day.  Myself along with about 200 other graduates got our degrees.  I was so glad to be done.  I had finished school once and for all.  I'm trying to get a job with my degree.  But I finished school.  It took me a bit longer than I wanted to.  All in all my college experience was a good one.

Tales From the Crypt: A Look Back

            I watched plenty of shows growing up.  One show that to this day that has and always be one of my favorites is Tales From the Crypt. Even at a young age, I gravitated toward the Horror genre.  And with that show, I was able to watch several scary stories.  My parents didn't let my brother, Aaron, and I watch it.  We would still find a way to sneak out of our rooms and watch this awesome show.

           

            The intro itself was damn cool to watch.  No matter how times I watched the show, I was awestruck at the tour of that spooky house.  And even though I knew it was coming, I would jump when the CryptKeeper would pop out of his coffin.  When I first saw the CryptKeper, I cringed in fright.  But when he made his first corny joke, I smiled.  Any creepy looking guy who cracked jokes couldn't be that bad.

           

            There were so many episodes of this show I'll never forget.  'And All Through the House' gave us a reason to be scared of Santa.  'The Ventriloquist's Dummy' showed exactly why ventriloquist dummies are scary.  'Mournin Mess' gave us a terrifying look into a secret society.  'Death of Some Salemen' showed the audience that Tim Curry can pull of multiple roles and still be creepy.  Finally, 'The Third Pig' was able to give us a retelling of The Three Little Pigs that Horror fans can enjoy. 

            Tales From the Crypt was a rare show that had some stories that scared you and some that made you laugh.  The show is still fun watching on DVD, but nothing beats the memories of watching it for the first time on TV.  If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?

Uncertain Future

The future is here.  I've spent years planning what I would do after I graduated college.  College is over, and I'm now an official college graduate.  I still have to attend the ceremony of course.  To be honest, I'm a little scared.

 I went to school to get my degree in Journalism.  I love to write and I love to meet new people.  I spent about six months writing for my school paper.  I had a lot of fun doing it, so I know I'm on the right track on what I want to do for a living.

But lately I've been worried.  What if I don't get a job in my field?  What if all that time and money I spent in college turns out to be a total waste?  I know there are a lot of people out there who have their degrees but haven't found a job in their desired field.

I have to be patient.  I have to keep trying.  The important thing is that I went to college and got an education.  Yes, my prospects are pretty slim right now.  But the future would be a lot darker if I didn't go to college.  No matter what I have to keep trying.  I've come way too far to just give up.