Ayla had found not only a friend, but someone she
considered to be special. Someone she
thought she could trust forever.
However, little did she know this person held a dark secret. This person wasn't who he claimed to be. This person was a predator, a sexual predator; someone who
preyed upon children. Ayla hopes this
blog will help keep people aware of the true nature of predators, specifically this type.
How
did you know this person?
The man in question used to go to school
with my ex-husband. They were friends there.
My ex-husband, at the time of being my
husband, introduced us because we share a common interest; a love of writing.
We lost touch for a while but got back in touch around the time of my divorce
and he was very supportive. He told me he loved me and that he was supporting
me through my divorce because of that. We wound up together, though looking
back now I’m of the belief that he was rebound for me. I also wonder now if maybe he wasn’t manipulating me
back then into thinking things that perhaps I wouldn’t have otherwise. After
all, I’d threatened to divorce my husband before. But never done it.
What
was your first reaction when you learned the truth about the predator?
I was devastated. While I believed my
daughter (after all, what four year old would come out with something like that
when they haven’t come across it) I couldn’t believe it had happened, if you
get my drift. I asked her to talk to me and she put down her milk and came
over. She showed me what he’d done; ‘I’ll be him, mummy. You can be me,’ and I
gathered her up in my arms and gave her a big squeeze, kissing her hair and
telling her how grown up she was for telling me something important like that.
She didn’t see me cry. I couldn’t let her know more than she knew already about
how wrong it was, for fear of frightening her.
It’s important that the child knows
they’ve not done anything wrong, and that you support them, believe them and
most of all love them in spite of what they have told you.
I am, fortunately, lucky that she is as
young as she is. She doesn’t associate what he did with anything aggressive.
Whereas you and I would see an action like that, and I won’t be specific, as
sexual, she didn’t. And doesn’t. She knows he has been naughty. She knows that
that place is her private place. Not even mummy or daddy touches there, not
even to wash. That’s her job.
She was taught, before all this, when
her father first moved out, that he and I are the only ones allowed to wash her
bottom and or wipe it. Her daddy’s new girlfriend isn’t. Even if she is nice. She is allowed to ask for help
wiping, after all she is only four
and yes, kids make a mess. And she is allowed help with washing, though she’s
more likely to do it herself, nowadays. But she’s only allowed to ask her daddy
and I. No one else.
Who
was your biggest supporter during this time?
My biggest supporter was a man I’ve
never met. He’ll remain nameless, but he has, quite simply, been a font of
knowledge and advice for me. He’s stayed up talking with me late into the night
when I’ve been at rock bottom. I have been a big mess all over him, and he’s
just sat there and taken it from me.
It’s very easy for me, personally, to
talk to people, it’s one reason I offered to do this interview. What is hard is
actually dealing with what happened.
What
advice can you give to other parents?
Don’t trust anyone, and I mean anyone. I didn’t trust this person,
because once he’d come into my life he was in the position of ‘step parent’ to
my young daughter. I was messed with by my own stepfather and at times had
struggled to trust my daughter’s father with her though I’d no need. I wasn’t
going to let anyone get near my girl the way my stepfather had gotten to me. It
seems I wasn’t careful enough though, as she has told me that he’s been
inappropriate with her while I’ve just been downstairs.
If something has happened, tell the
police. Even if it’s historical. They have
to look into it. They have to
keep you informed of what’s going on.
Don’t blame yourself. I blamed myself
because I’m the one in the wrong. And in a way, and I know this is cruel, you
are. You left your child on their own with someone ‘like that’. But how are you
to know? Don’t blame yourself because they
are clever, it’s how they work.
They gain your trust. They gain the child’s trust. You pop into another room,
the adjacent room, say, to do something mundane like make a cuppa or wash up.
And they can be a threat, right there in the next room. But it’s not your fault. So don’t blame yourself. Spend that energy on getting justice, and on
supporting your child through their trauma. Be there for your child.
What
are some warning signs people might not realize?
Oh god there are loads. I didn’t realize
most of these until afterwards. The two most important ones are, in my opinion:
That they like to buy gifts for the
child. Sometimes you might not know about these gifts, so if you see something
new in their bedroom, find out where it came from. Make light of it. ‘I don’t
remember buying you that, was it a present from (child’s best friend’s name
here)’. With my step father it was the internet – mother said I wasn’t allowed
it but he put it in my room, as a ‘secret gift’, so keep an eye out for things
like that too. Make sure you know what’s in your house. Make sure there are no
locked cupboards that you don’t possess a key to. My stepfather bought me
dildos and pornos. Yes. Disgusting. What’s more disgusting is they were kept on
the top shelf of mother’s wardrobe. If she’d have looked, she might have found
out.
This person bought my daughter shoes,
toys, teddies and a wand all the way from Canada. But because he was new to
her, I thought he was more going for the ‘trying to buy her affections’ for the
new man in my life to be accepted,
that point of view. I didn’t find out about any other, more frightening toys,
but there is no stone left unturned in my house, and when he took his things I
packed for him. I also checked after he’d left.
I suspected foul play even though my daughter
hadn’t told me at this point what he’d done.
The second red flag, and one that is
quite often missed, is:
In the bedroom note their performance.
This particular man was using depression in order to explain away his ‘issue’,
however, depression doesn’t prevent you from climaxing, it prevents you from
feeling in-the-mood, and thus, please pardon me, getting an erection. It
doesn’t prevent you being good in the bedroom. And it doesn’t prevent you
enjoying sex. This man was able to achieve, and maintain, an erection. What he
wasn’t capable of was climaxing. In all the times that we were together, he
climaxed maybe three or four times? And each time his eyes would go off
elsewhere. It was very obvious he was imagining something or someone else,
because he wasn’t concentrating on me that’s for sure! If this is your partner,
you’re more likely to pick up on this one, or if they’re your friend’s partner
and you suspect them to be a threat, don’t hesitate to ask your friend if they
manage, though without the adjoining accusation, or you might lose your friend.
This lack of climax was a major red flag for me and it’s the first one that set
me off asking questions.
What
would be a fitting punishment for the predator?
You mean aside from tying him down and
using his testicles as examples of how to boil an egg, while they’re still
attached?
Nothing is a punishment suitable for a
person such as this. All the pain in the world inflicted on one small
stamp-sized area would not be enough to ‘get him back’ for what he did to my
little baby.
Much as I don’t want her ever growing
up, ever having a boyfriend, ever, ahem, being an adult, I know she will, one
day.
But this isn’t how she’s supposed to
learn it. She’s supposed to learn it with a long term boyfriend (when she’s
forty) who she feels safe with. Not through some pervert who gets off on
hurting little girls.
There’s no punishment suitable for him.
There’s not even a layer of Hell suitable for him.
How can law
enforcement crack down on predators?
To be honest, I don’t think they can. I
think there’s only so much that the police can police. They need to find the
‘makers’ and destroy child porn at its source, but there are hundreds of
thousands of these monsters and I hate to admit it, but they’ll never catch
them all. If you’re that way inclined you’re more likely to know how to get a
hold of these pictures without using things like search engines and key words,
so the best thing the police can do is stop this at its source. But there are
too many sources to keep up with, too many other, ‘more serious’ crimes to deal
with first, and so the police can’t beat them for it.
I think the punishment isn’t threat
enough for these people. I think if the punishment was more severe, perhaps
they’d be less likely to commit the crime. But then again, look at places where
there’s ‘life for a life’ status. People still kill, though they know they’ll
be killed for it.
Ayla
hopes that taking part in this blog will help others in her position. This blog was done in the hopes of helping
anyone, no matter where in the world they might live. Although she may never recover from the
betrayal, and is painfully aware that these events may come back to haunt them
both in years to come, she wants to be strong for her daughter and for anyone else who finds themselves living the
nightmare she has for the last six months.
If you or someone you know is suffering
abuse, there is help. You can find
someone to talk to at these sites:
UK
